One of the key traits that defines a REAL GENTLEMAN as opposed to a player or to a “nice guy” is that a gentleman is assertive, a player is manipulative, and a nice guy is submissive.
The nice guy tends to only get the few women who happen to feel sorry for him in a poor puppy kind of way. The manipulative player type ends up showing some form of confidence compared to the nice guy but ultimately his true colors show, and he loses quality women. The REAL GENTLEMAN however, he’s an expert at driving through life in the assertive lane.
Here’s where people get confused though: many think that the only way to be assertive is to be “in your face” or “nasty”, and this makes it really hard to consistently be assertive for them. And yet, being assertive is a massive factor in what turns on women, and it’s not only your being assertive with women, but when women seeing you being assertive with everyone in your life- including at the workplace, with your friends, family, associates, etc.
What tends to happen with a lot of good guys is that at some point in our lives a long time ago, we learned that it’s better to not be assertive, this way we wouldn’t be considered a “threat” to the bullies, we wouldn’t get any undue attention, and we would be more “submissive” just to get along.
Unfortunately, we often eventually explode after years and years of bottling up our own self-esteem and repressing our own dignity and even repressing our own desires. Which ends up causing us to go to the opposite extreme and blowing up on the people we feel are being unfair to us. And when we explode, our behavior is not seen as assertive, it’s seen as imbalanced and irrational and nasty.
The real answer is to more assertive in general, which solves so many problems and prevents the build up that can explode later otherwise. Let me give you an example of a helpful technique to being more assertive:
THE BROKEN RECORD
In “the broken record” technique, you simply make sure you know what you want, and you keep on repeating that every time you hear the other person saying they want you to do something else.
This also involves another strategy called using the “I” statement, because you are saying it’s you who wants or feels something, thereby taking on full responsibility for how you feel, and this actually is empowering because it means you have the right to express yourself and not have to blame anyone else for it, and that others should respect the way you feel.
So here’s how the broken record and the I statement could work together in a situation:
Let’s say you approach a woman and you chat and you want to see her again. Now, you know what you want- you want to see her again. Watch how being assertive is actually attractive here:
You say: “I enjoyed meeting you. We should meet up. How’s Tuesday night for some Starbucks and wonderful conversation with yours truly?”
She says: “Oh, Tuesday night I tutor piano lessons.”
The non assertive guy already feels rejected and then, maybe but not likely, says something, but it’s very unspecific at best, like, “Maybe we can meet up sometime?”.
Being more assertive, he would say: “I want to see you again. How about before your lesson?”
“I want to meet up. How about after? Tuesday is a great day for me, but if it doesn’t work by you, then let me know what day does.”
If she says a day that does not work for you, like for example Monday, a non assertive man might agree to it just because he doesn’t want to displease the woman or lose her, and of course the fear shows up in subtle ways, so even when he says “yes” he has actually lost the woman because she can tell in his body language that something has just been given up in terms of his own dignity.
This persistance with a relaxed demeanor shows confidence, it shows that you believe you have value, it shows also on a subtle level that you get what you want in life, which is another sign of a winner. And none of this is being a jerk.
Similarly, when a woman sees how you deal with pressure from other people in your life, it can be a turn on for her to see that you are assertive with them as well. So let’s say at work everyone is used to taking advantage of you helping them with their work, and asking you to do an unfair amount of work. One of the things you can do here is again the broken record
“Ted, I need you to help me this weekend again with completing the project.”
You: “I can’t do that, as I have a major family engagement this weekend”.
“But this is really important, I don’t know what’s going on”
You: “I understand, and I really have a major engagement this weekend that is going to take all my time.”
You’ll notice that after you keep on sticking to your “broken record that keeps repeating” they will eventually break and give in.
They may say something like:
“Okay, but can you at least sign these forms that allow me to use the resource centre this Weekend?”
You: “Yes, I can do that.”
Then they will say thank you, and you’ll say “you’re welcome.”.
Notice how in the above statements, you Were using *I* statements and repeating like a broken record, sticking to your point.
Here’s another thing:
Once you’ve stated your assertive position, don’t explain it for a half hour. Instead, seal your lips. By going on and on explaining yourself, you are actually weakening the entire assertive core to your message. This includes of course in your interactions with women when you are in a relationship as well!
Being assertive never ends, from the moment you meet her, to long after you are having wild nights together and beyond. But the thing is, it’s important to realize that this is a transformation that must come from having an intelligent road-map for how to go about all this, so that you truly become an Assertive Gentleman.
Now unlike all the hype out there for everything from bodybuilding magazines that feature steroid injected men who claim they got their results from some workout routine, or the hype out there from folks who sell pick up artist tactics and claim they got supermodels from using pick up artist tactics instead of the real truth which is that they got nothing of the sort, what I am teaching you here, as you can see, actually makes sense. It’s not hype. It’s based on real research in the real world.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have even more powerful effective strategies and insights on this topic and tons of others that are crucial for your success with women.